Castiel's Book of Firsts
by nugget-basket
Summary: Castiel fell from grace. This is an AU of S8 where Naomi manages to stop Metatron. Minor spoilers! Dean wants answers but Cas won't budge. I decided to write like a book of firsts when Castiel becomes human, and this is the first. I hope you enjoy! Destiel lead up, but there's also a side plot involving the demon and angel tablets.
1. Chapter 1

/AU where Naomi manages to stop and kill Metatron, but banishes Cas to Earth. Stay tuned for why and how etc etc haha. Thanks to all the people who have been reading, reviewing and favouriting! I cannot tell you how much that means to me :') Like always, please comment if you liked it, and send me a PM if you have a request! Much love!/

**First time falling**

Castiel fell. He didn't know how or why. He appeared at Bobby's doorstep, smaller somehow in his usual trench coat and suit ensemble. He was shaking, his eyes distant, and the first thing Bobby did was to haul his ass indoors, stoke the fire, wrap Castiel up and get him comfy with a hot cuppa tea. Then he called Dean.

"Dean, you get your ass over here. Your angel buddy's in a bad way."

Dean was in the middle of a case in Texas, but he drove back immediately, leaving Sam to take care of it. From what Bobby had told him over the phone, Castiel seemed to have fallen from grace. Guilt wrapped its icy fingers around Dean and made him step on the gas. He knew there was only one reason why Castiel would have been kicked out from heaven and that reason was sitting behind the wheel of the Impala, praying that he'd get there in time. Before Cas did something stupid.

It took Dean hours of constant driving but he needed to get to his friend. The angel needed him. Dean cursed aloud. He still couldn't stop himself from referring to Cas as his angel. Not anymore, Dean thought, bitterly. Not anymore. Soon, relief flooded him as he pulled up to the scrap yard. Locking the Impala, Dean hurried to the house and knocked on the door, frantically. "He's in the spare bedroom," Bobby told him as he opened the door. Dean grasped Bobby's shoulder, fear making his green eyes wild.

"He's fine boy. Go up and see 'im."

Dean tried to communicate his gratitude, but the old hunter would have none of it. "Go on kid, ain't like this is the first time…" Dean didn't wait, simply rushed up the stairs to see Cas.

The angel was sitting up in bed, staring blankly at the white wall ahead of him. Dean stopped short in the doorway, hesitantly peering in. "Cas?" He began, unsteadily. Castiel turned his unblinking gaze on him.

"Dean."

"You okay, buddy..?" Dean asked, hopefully.

"I am not okay, Dean. I no longer have my grace." Castiel told him, matter-of-factly, as was his way. His blue eyes returned to the blank wall, as if it was a TV screen only he could see.

Pain stabbed through Dean. Castiel used to be powerful. He used to be a fucking angel for God's sakes. It must not have been easy to have been reduced to this, this feeling of weakness, of helplessness in the face of fate. Dean knew that this, added to the guilt of almost removing all angels for good, must be hurting Cas big time. But Dean couldn't do anything about it. What consolation could one ever give or something like this? Dean smiled sadly. As far as he knew, there weren't any cards that said, "I'm Sorry You Lost Your Wings," or "Guess You're A Human Now. It's Not So Bad!" Christ it was painful to watch Cas like this. He didn't deserve this. Dean felt a lump gather in his throat. He pushed off the wall and joined Castiel on the bed.

"You need to eat Cas."

Castiel didn't look away from the wall, blinking unresponsively. Dean sighed in frustration. He wasn't going to get anywhere like this. He wondered if it would be best to leave the former angel alone, and was about to go ask Bobby to fill him in, when Castiel began to speak.

"It hurt." Castiel began in a strangely faraway voice.

"What did, Cas?" Dean asked, his throat constricting.

"When Naomi tore out my grace." He closed his eyes tight, as if reliving the memory. Dean watched the pale face, with its five o'clock shadow scrunch up in pain, his eyes roving over the mop of dark hair. It had grown slightly, the change almost unnoticeable, but Dean knew that face well enough to notice the little changes.

"It burned…" Castiel whimpered. "Like this light was being forced out of me. But it didn't want to leave, and she just pulled harder."

"Oh, Cas." Dean slung his arm around the smaller man. It was impossible not to seek some way to comfort Castiel, seeing him look like that: small and alone in his grief.

There was no telling how long the two remained that way, Castiel scrunched up in his bed, Dean sitting on the edge of it, his arm around the angel's shoulders. There was no room for words, Dean knew. Any words spoken would sound hollow and fake, so he just sat there in silence, knowing there was nothing he could ever do or say to make any of this right.

It wasn't long before Castiel fell asleep, and Dean quietly snuck out of the room, and joined Bobby on the couch in the living room.

"How's he doin'?" Bobby asked, sympathetically, holding a beer out.

"Sleeping…why'd they do this to him Bobby?" Dean asked, gratefully taking the beer Bobby offered.

"He didn't say. I just found him out here, lookin' like he'd walked for miles. His clothes were all torn up, and he was shakin' like he was freezin'." Bobby shook his head.

"Angels, man." Dean swigged his beer irritably.

Bobby chuckled. "Boy, you seem pretty damn fond of 'em."

Dean shot Bobby a glare. "Castiel isn't all of them Bobby. I owe the guy."

"I know you do, son. You better take care of him though. He ain't been right."

Bobby looked like he was about to say something else, but the sound of thrashing and yelling from Castiel's room interrupted him. Instantly, Dean was on his feet and up the stairs. He burst into Castiel's room and rushed to the struggling former angel. Castiel groaned, tears sliding down his ghostly pale cheeks. Dean ripped the sheets off the other man's sweating, writhing body and steadied Castiel's head, speaking soothing words of comfort. Slowly, the angel's face smoothened and his body stilled. Castiel opened his beautiful blue eyes, darkened with fury and sorrow and stared into Dean's green eyes.

"They wanted me to kill you." Castiel said, in a moment of crystal clarity, before he succumbed to the darkness. All Dean could do was stare at the man passed out in his arms, before looking up at Bobby, who seemed just as shocked and worried as he felt. Dean stayed by his side for the rest of the night, getting up only in the early hours of the morning when he felt sure Castiel was not going to have another nightmare.

He lay down on Bobby's couch, but couldn't sleep. What did Castiel mean? Why did Naomi want Castiel to kill him? Dean wanted answers but he didn't see how he could get them He wasn't even sure if Castiel remembered what made Naomi cast him out of the pearly gates, much less the rationale behind it. Dean could only guess, and the closest he got was that it was punishment for Castiel's disobedience with Metatron that almost led to the extinction of the angels, even though it wasn't Castiel's fault at all. Dean sighed, exhausted. He missed Sam. Sam would have been logical, and comforting. He always knew what to say. Sam would have been able to do something, and he would have kept Dean from doing anything rash. Right now, all Dean wanted to do was kill that bitch Naomi, but even he knew that wasn't the smartest thing to do. His gut told him that he needed to keep Castiel hidden for a while longer.

Dean, unable to go to sleep, called the only person he knew would understand. He called his brother.

"Hello?"

"Sammy." Dean sighed with relief. His brother's voice was like a wave of comfort washing over him and he basked in it as he continued. "How'd the case go?"

"Vengeful spirit. I called in Garth to help, and we finished up pretty quick. How's Cas?"

"Not good man. How soon can you get here?"

"I'll be there by noon."

"Awesome."

"You okay Dean?"

Dean sighed. "We'll talk when you get back."

"Sure. Don't worry, I'm leaving in the morning."

"Take care, Sammy."

"You too Dean." Sam hesitated. "Take care of Cas."

"Yeah. Bye." He hung up, the constriction in his chest easing up slightly. He slept pretty well after that.


	2. Chapter 2

First Time Brushing Teeth

Dean woke up to the harsh morning light filtering through Bobby's windows, casting light into his tightly closed eyes. Groaning, thinking he was in a bed, he tossed himself over. Unfortunately, Dean happened to be on a couch. He tumbled off the couch, landing hard on the cold floor with a muffled 'Oof!'

Dean opened his eyes slowly to the light as Bobby snickered. "Mornin' sunshine."

The older hunter was flipping eggs in the kitchen and their mouthwatering aroma made Dean forget all about his little incident and he happily trooped to the kitchen.

"Go wake that friend o' yours, and get him down for his breakfast will ya?"Bobby called, wiping greasy fingers on his favourite apron. Dean would have teased him about it if not for the fact that Bobby could most definitely tear him apart with just one look. Instead, Dean hid a smile and hurried up the stairs to where Castiel snoozed in bed.

"Come on Cas, wakey wakey," Dean grinned.

Castiel sat up in bed, his bleary eyes taking in Dean's bright smile.

"Good morning Dean." Castiel scrutinized him. "You appear to be in a good mood." Castiel stated, a small smile brightening his features.

"You should smile more Cas." Dean told him, feeling vaguely embarrassed, "It looks good on you."

"I shall try," Castiel promised solemnly. A frown pulled down at the corners of his lips. "I do not feel very clean Dean."

Dean smothered a laugh at the seriousness of his tone. "C'mon Cas, follow me." Dean led to way to the bathroom, where the two stood in front of the mirror, elbow to elbow. Dean passed him a new toothbrush which Castiel took in, with the kind of fascinated horror that people normally reserved for anal probes. Dean smiled, fondly, and squeezed a small worm of toothpaste out of a new tube and onto his own brush. Then he passed the tube to Castiel to imitate.

Castiel looked down at it and with the look of utmost concentration pressed down lightly on the tube. Nothing came out. The look of pure exasperation Castiel gave Dean made his heart flutter with happiness.

"Little harder Cas." Dean tried to get his urge to laugh under control, his voice sounding slightly high-pitched and wobbly.

The former angel frowned and pressed his fingers down on the middle of the tube, hard. A fat string of white paste flew out of the tube and landed on Castiel's face. Dean could have kept his laughter in check. He could have. If only Castiel hadn't opened his eyes wide and gave the tube of toothpaste such a doe-eyed, wounded look that made Dean erupt in giggles. Then laughs. Then full-on guffaws.

At first, Castiel did not get what made Dean laugh. Then he looked in the mirror, and saw the paste slowly inching its way down his face, and gave Dean an adorable, lopsided smile. Tenderness caught Dean completely off guard, quieting his chuckling.

He reached for the towel and gently wiped the toothpaste off Castiel's face, taking in the details of his features; things he had never really noticed before. The way his stubble had grown. His perfect, pink lips. His slight cleft chin. Most of all, the brilliance in his blue eyes that had never quite faded even after he became human. Beautiful, Dean thought before he could stop himself. Dean pushed the thought away. It wasn't important right now.

Castiel was oblivious to all this, his eyes following Dean's every movement. Finally, Dean squeezed the paste out on Castiel's brush himself, beginning to brush his teeth, gesturing for Cas to emulate him. Castiel hesitantly began to brush his teeth, copying Dean's actions to the letter.

Dean noted with no small amount of amusement that Cas wasn't very good at brushing his teeth. He was getting foam all over himself and his face, and it made him look like a rabid dog. After a while, though, he seemed to get the hang of things and stopped watching Dean. Dean spat into the sink and gargled with water. After spitting that too and cleaning himself up, he turned to see Castiel wiping his mouth with a towel.

"Uh, Cas?"

"Dean." Castiel cocked his head at Dean.

"Did you, uh, swallow that?"

"Was I not supposed to?" Castiel asked, bemused.

Dean succumbed to another fit of laughter, and once it died down, he grinned at his angel, "You're supposed to spit it out Cas." Wait, did he just say _his _angel? _His?_ Dean swallowed, nervously, and watched as Castiel gave him yet another tiny smile, unable to resist the urge to smile back. He reached out and wiped a smear of foam away from Castiel's chin, then gently let his fingers trace up the other man's jawbone before he let his fingers drop. Castiel's smile got bigger, changing his face almost entirely. It made him seem younger, more open and innocent.

Dean's stomach flipped and his heart soared. When did he even begin feeling this way? Sam had always teased him about the way he and Castiel behaved with each other, but surely he didn't mean it? Dean liked women! Dean had always liked women! _Castiel doesn't have a gender,_ a small voice in his head interjected. Dean ignored it. If anything, what he was feeling was pity, and a paternal instinct towards the angel that had sacrificed everything for him. He was just returning a favour that was all.

Dean's eyes hardened and he walked past Castiel, and out of the bathroom, trying to ignore the confused look on his friend's face at his sudden change in attitude.

"C'mon Cas. Time for breakfast." He called gruffly, as he waited for the former angel to join him.


	3. Chapter 3

/Okay my bad, Cas brushing his teeth came first! Hehe, I got the morning routine messed up xD Please R&R! Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated ^^ Anyway, I'll update as much as possible, and please PM me if you have a request or a prompt for me /

**First Breakfast**

Dean had hoped for pancakes with maple syrup and he was not disappointed. It was at moments like this that Dean really appreciated how well Bobby knew him. The three of them sat at the table in Bobby's kitchen. Bobby, looking to fatten up the scrawny former angel, piled eggs and bacon on his plate next to the pancakes. Dean got his fair share of pancakes and bacon, and as Bobby sat down he offered Castiel the maple syrup. Castiel took the bottle gingerly and stared at Dean, as if awaiting instruction.

Dean smiled at his lost expression and took the bottle of maple syrup. "No 1 rule of eating pancakes, Cas: lots of maple syrup." Dean doused his pile of pancakes with a generous helping of sugary syrup. Cas did the same with almost surgical precision, his brow furrowed in concentration. Dean grinned approvingly, and ignored the swoop of his gut when Castiel smiled shyly back. Bobby stared at the pair of them and rolled his eyes.

"If you two are done with the googly eyes, I need some help packin' more salt bullets and makin' hex bags, so join me when you boys are done." Bobby left the room, grumbling under his breath. Dean could've sworn he heard the phrase 'lovelorn idjit' but figured he must've misheard it.

"Eat up, Cas, it'll be good for you to keep busy." Dean said, conversationally. He was determined to stay away from the serious topics until Sam got back. Castiel was in a good mood, and he wanted him to be as emotionally stable as possible, though he wondered if that was even an option considering what Cas went through.

"I have never required sustenance before…" Castiel told Dean, unnecessarily, in Dean's opinion, as he poked at the cooling pancakes with his fork.

"Yeah well you do now." Dean told him, his voice masking a warning.

Castiel's blues clouded slightly, but cleared up again as he took an experimental bite of pancake. The lids of his eyes flew open and he gazed at Dean with such a look of wonder, Dean positively melted.

"I had no idea humans were capable of such culinary mastery!" Castiel exclaimed, with child-like awe. Dean guessed, in many ways, he was exactly that: a child.

"Yeah well, we've done a few things" Dean smirked.

"I am glad I fought for humans. They are worth saving." Castiel declared over another bite of pancake, his words slightly muffled.

A prick of sadness made Dean's smile twist slightly, but he joked it off, "You're saying that over pancakes?"

"They are very good pancakes, Dean." Castiel told him unsmiling. But something that twinkled in Castiel's eyes made Dean think that the former angel was attempting a joke. Dean laughed, and Castiel's cheeks took on a pretty shade of pink as his eyes crinkled. It was cute. Dean dropped his fork. He couldn't believe he just called the former angel of the Lord cute. Sure, Cas was attractive! In an abstract sense. But Dean Winchester was as straight as, well the straightest pole. He liked women.

So what if his stomach made a swan dive whenever Castiel smiled at him? That didn't make him gay for the guy…did it? Dean did not like the turn this mental conversation was taking, so he did what he always did. He ran away from it. Tossing his empty dish in the sink, he told Castiel to go help Bobby, and took off to wash the Impala.

Dean knew he could run away from Castiel, but he couldn't run away from his thoughts. As he washed the Impala, he evaluated the situation. He was lonely, and Cas was the only person he was emotionally close to besides Bobby and Sam. Castiel had pulled him out of Hell for chrissakes. He felt he owed the angel, and that had caused certain unforeseen emotions to rise and convince him that he was somehow attracted to Castiel.

Dean took the whole morning to wash and clean the Impala and during that time away from Castiel, he managed to convince himself that he was just lonely and acting on a need to be physically close to someone. He felt the only way to mend this was to go get laid. And he told himself that that was exactly what Dean Winchester was going to do.

Sam arrived around noon, as he had said he would, and Dean was out in the scrap yard to welcome him back to the fold. After clapping his ginormous brother on the back, they went inside to where Bobby and Castiel were packing hex bags to protect them from being seen by both demons and angels.

Sam hugged Castiel, the already small man looking even tinier wrapped in Sam's bear hug. The four of them gathered in Bobby's study and Castiel began to explain all that he remembered.

"I feel my memory beginning to fade already…" Castiel told them, a soulful look in his big blue eyes. "There are holes in what I remember."

"Just tell us what you know," Sam assured him, "We'll figure the rest out later."

"I remember Naomi tearing out my grace." Castiel closed his eyes, no doubt reliving the horrors in his head. "She said I was a disappointment, that I had betrayed our kind." A single tear escaped from Castiel's tightly shut eyes.

"What else Cas?" Dean asked, a steadying hand on Castiel's shoulder.

Castiel's face screwed up as he tried hard to collect his memories.

"Before that…She said, I….I needed to do…a penance…."

"A penance?" Sam asked.

Castiel opened his eyes. "Yes," He gazed at Sam, "A penance for what I had done to heaven. With Metatron." Castiel's eyes fell in shame.

"It wasn't your fault Cas. Metatron lied to you. He used you." Dean gripped Castiel's shoulder tightly, seething with rage at what Metatron had done to poor, innocent Cas. Castiel who had just been trying to do what was best for his home, to help his brothers and sisters. Castiel who had been betrayed by both the person he thought he could trust as well as the home he was trying to save.

"I should have done something." Castiel shook his head, "I deserve this punishment."

"No you don't Cas." Dean said harshly. "Don't you ever think that. You, of all people, do not deserve this. You're better off with a family that cares about you."

Castiel looked up with a surprised glance so full of hope and gratitude that it made Dean feel profoundly humble to be the recipient.

"Cas," Sam interrupted their little moment, "What penance did Naomi want you to do?"

Castiel only stared at Sam, "I don't recall. But I refused. That was why Naomi tore out my grace."

_They wanted me to kill you_.

"I think I know what the penance was." Dean said, weakly. "She wanted Cas to kill me."\

"But why?" Bobby asked.

"Hell if I know." Dean muttered.

"Hell…" Sam's head snapped up. "Maybe because you stopped me from closing the gates of hell!"

Castiel turned to Sam with a look of terror. "That was it! Naomi wanted me to kill Dean so that she could come to you with a deal."

"Lemme guess." Dean said, wryly. "Close the gates of hell, and we'll bring your brother back?"

"That is correct." Castiel affirmed.

"I would've done it too." Sam murmured.

"You know what this means don't 'cha?" Bobby's eyes burned with anger. "They're going to be after you boys."

Castiel nodded, sadly. "Dean and Sam still have the demon and angel tablets. The angels are going to be searching for it, as are the demons. The angels cannot close the gates of Hell without the demon tablet, and Heaven will not be safe unless they get back the angel tablet."

"They're both safe." Dean told Sam," They're in Bobby's panic room."

"We can't run from them forever Dean." Sam said, frustrated.

"There is a way." Castiel told them. "If I can get back my grace, I can destroy the angel and demon tablets forever."

Dean knew Castiel well enough to know when Castiel wasn't telling the full truth.

"What's the catch?" He asked.

Castiel hesitated, "It would mean the complete destruction of my grace. I could never be an angel ever again."


	4. Chapter 4

/Here's the next installment! I'm keeping this one relatively fluffy, so the next one will have more on the two tablets! As always constructive criticism is appreciated so please R&R! Thanks for reading! Stay tuned, because I doubt I'll be posting any more fics for today, but keep checking back! I'll update as much as possible /

**First Real Kiss**

Dean pulled Sam to a bar as soon as Castiel excused himself to his room. They slid into a booth, not far from the bar counter with a beer each. Sam watched Dean, concerned.

"So Castiel fell because he didn't want to kill you?"

Dean nodded in response.

"How'd you know?"

Dean sighed. "He was having this nightmare, and told me about it. I don't think he remembers it himself."

Sam ran a hand through his long brown hair. "Well, at least he remembers it now."

"Do you think being human has changed him much?" Dean asked.

"Not really. He still seems like Cas, but…more human." Sam answered, his eyes on Dean.

Dean scoffed. "Very observant, Dr Freud."

"You know what I mean, Dean." Sam paused, his eyes going up as if he was searching for the right word. "It's like he's more involved, less distant. Like he can actually feel now."

"Yeah, I get it." Dean took a sip of beer. "It's actually a welcome change in a sense. But I don't want him to lose his grace forever Sammy!"

"I know, Dean." Sam tapped the table with his long fingers. "If he destroys the angel and demon tablets though, won't both the demons and angels be after us?"

Dean shook his head, "They'll go at each other, trust me. The angels will be pissed but happy that the angel tablet is out of the reach of demons, and the demons will be pissed but happy that the demon tablet is out of reach of the angels."

Sam only raised yet another question, "If both tablets could be destroyed then why not destroy it earlier?"

"You heard what Cas said Sammy. The only thing powerful enough to completely send those damn things into oblivion is an angel's grace. I don't think any of those asshats would voluntarily sacrifice themselves that way." Dean smiled, sardonically, "Especially after dear ol' Dad left the building."

"Dean," Sam sighed, like he was reluctant to continue.

"Yeah?" Dean stared at Sam. "Spit it out Sam."

"Do you think that maybe if Cas did manage to destroy both the tablets, and everything went back to normal with Heaven and Hell at each others' throats again, you and Cas could maybe….be…uh, happy? Together?" Sam cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with the topic of conversation.

"What're you on about Sammy?" Dean asked suspiciously, eyes narrowed at his brother.

"Look, Dean, Bobby and I noticed…you and Castiel…" Sam cast a sideways glance at Dean, biting his lip.

"What, Sam?" Dean stared daggers at his brother, causing the other Winchester to gulp audibly.

"Dean, you and Cas obviously have a….profound bond." Sam slugged his beer, and continued, "You're still my brother, man, I won't think any less of you if you and Cas are…you know…"

Dean choked on his beer.

"Wait, you think Cas and I, are together?" Dean spluttered.

"…Uh…" Sam looked around, squirming in his seat. "…Well…"

Dean didn't know what to say. He took a long slug of beer instead. "You get yourself home Sammy, I'm gonna go score with a chick." He winked at his brother, and made a beeline for the nearest blonde.

"Hi there." Dean gave her his trademark smirk. She was pretty enough, with long blonde hair teased into a poufy do. Dean turned on the charm to full blast and bought her an appletini which she said she loved.

"My name's Dean, by the way."

"I'm Amanda," she giggled like a kid who had had one too many to drink. Dean supposed she was a kid. He spoke to her for a little while longer and found out she was an English major, and she wanted to become an actress and go to acting school.

Dean smiled and nodded like she was the most interesting thing in the world, when all he could really think about was if Castiel was sleeping okay at Bobby's. It took effort to bring his wandering attention back to the woman in front of him until she reached around him and groped his ass.

Dean jerked against the bar counter, aghast. Amanda giggled loudly, her cheeks red from too many sugar-free martinis. "What's the matter, Dean," She whispered in his ear, "Don't you wanna take this party back to my room?"

A year ago, Dean would have been on top of her before you could say 'heterosexual'. Now, he wasn't so sure.

"Uh, sorry, lady, I gotta go." Dean got the heck out of the bar and walked back to Bobby's since Sam had taken the Impala. The house was dark, but Castiel let Dean in when he knocked.

"Sam said he thought you were not going to be back until the morning." Castiel informed Dean.

"Yeah? Well, we both did." Dean sighed heavily and before he could stop himself, rested his head on Castiel's chest. Castiel froze but Dean kept his head anchored there, hoping Castiel could take a hint. One long moment later, Dean began to consider telling Cas he was drunk to make it less awkward, but he felt slender fingers roam gently through his hair, combing it with careful precision. The two men stood like that for a while, Dean's head on the former angel's chest, his arms limp at his side, Castiel's hands cradling the hunter's head to his chest.

"Dean."

"Cas."

"Would you like to sit down?"

"Sure Cas." Dean pulled him to the couch beside him and they stared at each other for a moment. Dean couldn't help but think how different this was. With all his other hook-ups, it had been passionate and rough and lusty, but he felt now, that he could just sit here and look deep into Castiel's eyes for the rest of his life and not get tired of that beautiful hue of blue.

It seemed natural to lean forward and press his lips to Castiel's. At first, his lips were soft, welcoming the intrusion of Dean's tongue, but it became clear that Castiel didn't quite know what to do. Dean slid his hand around to cradle the back of Castiel's head, forcing his lips to part a little more and to push him deeper into the kiss. Castiel opened his mouth to him, letting his tongue mate with Dean's. They pulled away, gasping for breath, but their lips rejoined again almost immediately. Dean tasted Castiel's sweetness. He tasted like the elements, wind, fire, land and water all rolled into one. Dean began to identify the different tastes as he kissed Castiel. There was smokiness, and the clean taste of rain, and the richness of wet earth and the salty tang of the sea.

Castiel still felt to him in many ways, like an angel. Dean guessed there were just some things that could not change. It gave him a great sense of happiness and comfort to realize that it wasn't just grace that made Castiel an angel. It was all of these very unique things that made Castiel an angel of the Lord, and Naomi's actions would never change that.

Dean kissed Castiel tenderly, and tried to put a little bit of himself into Cas for safekeeping. They pulled apart and held each other, tightly, without saying a word. It wasn't long before they fell fast asleep, wrapped in each other's arms.


	5. Chapter 5

/OK so this fic was incredibly fluffy. Even I had the feels while writing it xD So Cas shaves for the first time. Hmm, what could happen in an enclosed space? Haha don't worry, it's still rated K! Please R&R, constructive criticism is appreciated! TexMex, your request is coming up next chapter Thanks for the input! As usual, I love to hear from people who liked my fics, so please PM me if you have a special request or prompt for fic for me ^^/

First Time Shaving

Dean woke up to find himself tangled up with a snoring Castiel on the couch. He gently extricated himself, throwing his jacket over Castiel. Yawning, Dean padded to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He gulped it down and realizing just how thirsty he was, poured himself yet another glass and drank that one as well.

"Dean?" Sam's face was emotionless except for the mischievous twinkle in those huge brown eyes of his. Dean scowled as he placed the glass on the counter.

"Sam." Dean glared at his brother. "Do. Not. Say. A. Word."

Sam gave him a look of wounded innocence. "I would never!" He protested.

"Good." Dean grumbled.

"Slept well?" Sam snickered. Dean wanted to punch his brother in the nose. Sam seemed to sense this because he gave Dean a massive grin while waggling his eyebrows and ducked out. Dean heard him wish Castiel an unnecessarily loud and cheery 'Morning!'

Sam could be such a girl sometimes.

However, this little debacle brought up the question of how Dean would act around Castiel in front of everyone. He'd had girlfriends before, and he had no problem with open affection with them, but this was Cas. A former angel. A _dude._ "Sonofabitch" He muttered, evilly, while rubbing his face. Dean knew he wasn't gay, not exactly. Yeah sure, Castiel _looked _like a guy, but technically angels had no sex, so he wasn't a guy or a girl. Somehow Dean thought that made things worse. Sighing, he headed out of the kitchen and came face to face with the subject of his affections and thoughts.

"Dean." Castiel's usual greeting had something slightly different to it. Dean couldn't quite put his finger on what it was exactly but he knew it had something to do with the wordless declaration of their feelings towards each other. There was something proud and possessive in the way Castiel said his name and it sent shivers of pleasure up Dean's spine. He couldn't help but give Cas a sloppy smile and a kiss on the cheek, pleased to note that it served to flush Castiel's cheeks giving them an adorable red tinge.

He also noticed that Castiel's stubble had grown in quite a bit. Dean figured it was time to teach the new human how to shave. It should have been at the top of Dean's list, but he'd been…distracted.

"C'mon Cas." Dean turned to lead the way to the bathroom. "About friggin' time you shaved that beard of yours."

Castiel obediently followed him into the bathroom. Dean grabbed the razor, shaving foam and brush. He smeared shaving cream onto the brush and expertly applied a thick, even coating over the lower half of Castiel's face. He grinned at Castiel's miniscule gasp as the cold gel touched his skin. Castiel closed his eyes, letting his face muscles relax. Dean paused for a moment as he reached for the razor, appreciating the handsome, masculine features.

Oh, who was he kidding. Dean was most definitely gay for Castiel.

Dean laughed, and Castiel cocked an eye open to stare at him questioningly.

"I just never thought you'd be the one to turn me, Cas." Dean explained, chuckling.

"Turn you?" Castiel's eyebrows drew together in puzzlement.

"I used to be into women before you, dude."

"I do not really have a gender Dean, if that is a consolation." Castiel hesitated. "Though I assume, now that I have fallen, I am inherently male."

The corner of Dean's lips quirked, as he let the razor sit at the top of the foam on Castiel's jaw. "Okay enough with the gender crisis, don't move okay?" Dean let his fingers slide through Castiel's soft hair to cup the back of his head, keeping his head in place. He slowly slid the razor along Castiel's jaw, and washed the foam off, repeating the cycle for the rest of Castiel's stubble. The whole shaving process was therapeutic and mindless to the point that Dean could just take the time to absorb Castiel's whole face. He burned the image of his angel's face into his mind. Finally, he used a towel to get rid of the excess foam from Castiel's perfectly still profile.

Unable to resist the urge, Dean leaned in to kiss the other man chastely on the lips. Before he could pull away, Castiel threw his arms around Dean and pulled him close, gnashing their lips together. It caught Dean completely off guard and he lost his balance, falling against Castiel. Their momentum carried them backward into the slightly ajar door, slamming it shut.

Dean tore his face away, wheezing as he laughed. He placed his palm against the door and let his lips brush against Castiel. The former angel squirmed to get closer to Dean, to deepen the kiss, but Dean trapped Castiel against the door and didn't allow him to get any closer.

"Dean…" Castiel whined, irritably. Dean just chucked him under the chin and smirked, planting another kiss on Castiel's jaw, smiling against his skin as Castiel let out a strangled sigh. He burned a hot trail down the nape of Castiel's neck before nipping gently at the skin at the base of Castiel's neck.

"Dean." Castiel's voice was a low, commanding growl borne of need. It reminded Dean of when the smaller man was an angel of the Lord. It put a lump of nostalgic sorrow in Dean's throat. Dean kissed Cas tenderly, trying as far as he could, to absorb the pain and grief from the former angel. It was as if Castiel understood the meaning of his kiss because the needy lust faded into the background replaced by a longing tenderness. Castiel stroked Dean's hair as they kissed, just lips molding to each other, communicating all that they could not say.

Castiel pulled away first, watching Dean with a content, loving light in his cerulean eyes. His eyes reminded Dean of everything that he loved. That deep blue made Dean think of Sammy as a baby, sucking on his thumb. It made him think of the Impala glittering on a hot day right after a good wash. It made him think of his mother's voice, singing him to sleep. It made him think of his father bouncing him on his shoulders when he was a child. It made him think of conversations on park benches beside a playground. It made him think of the shadow of gigantic wings stretching out against warehouse walls. It made him think of an angel who didn't understand personal space and loved burgers.

"Dean…" Castiel hesitated.

"Yeah?" Dean stroked stray hairs out of Castiel's eyes.

"I would like to continue with the usual human intimacies." Castiel stared at Dean meaningfully.

"Oh." Dean slipped his arm around Castiel, "You sure Cas?"

The smaller man nodded, seriously.

If Bobby and Sam had heard the intermittent groans and other accompanying…noises..emanating from upstairs, they didn't mention it. Not even when Dean and Castiel joined them in Bobby's study, flushed, hair wet from a quick, shared shower. Instead, they discussed other options of getting rid of the tablets.

They were running out of time. Right now, all they had on their asses were the angels. With the absence of Crowley, whom none of them had seen since the 'cleansing', Hell was busy regrouping and choosing a new leader. Abbadon seemed the obvious choice of course, so it wouldn't be long before demons were after them as well, seeing how Abbadon and the Winchesters had history that spanned three generations.

There was only one option they had at the moment, and Dean voiced it.

"I suggest we go to the Men of Letters HQ. At least there we might actually be able to find some information that could help us."

The other three agreed, and made preparations to set out the very next morning.


	6. Chapter 6

/Big thanks to Texmex007 for this request! I'm not sure if this is specifically what you had in mind, but I hope you enjoy it anyway! Do drop a review or a PM, I hope you guys like this :)/

**First Time Getting Seriously Wasted**

Dean was happy to see his bunker again, and the first thing he did was to dump his duffel bag in his room. By now, Bobby and Sam had pretty much deduced and accepted that Dean and Castiel were a 'thing' now. The term was ambiguous, but it was the most Dean had admitted to. He wasn't used to calling Castiel his _boyfriend_. To him, the word seemed lacking somehow and rather irreverent as a reference to what Castiel meant to him. He needed a stronger word for that, the kind of connection he had with Cas but he didn't think there was any word that really cut it. Perhaps 'soulmate' was closest to the mark. But then, Dean didn't want to waste his time with Castiel dissecting the dynamic of their relationship.

In the comparatively short time he'd lived on the Earth he had helped to save, Dean had learnt that happiness in all its forms, was ephemeral and fleeting, and to be held on to for as long as possible, and savoured rather than pulled apart. He wasn't about to break it down and examine it, he just wanted to enjoy Castiel's presence before he lost him. And in Dean's experience, it wasn't out of the ordinary to lose the people you loved. The two had not further discussed the option of Castiel using his grace to destroy the tablets. Dean didn't even want to think about it. It scared him. Because somehow he knew that the only think keeping Castiel from falling apart was the hope that he could get his grace back. It would be so cruel if he got it back but lost it again in the effort to destroy the tablets. There had to be another way…

He absentmindedly helped Sam with Bobby's books and miscellaneous herbs and whatnot which literally filled up more than half the Impala's boot space.

It took a moment for him to realize that Sam was asking him a question.

"Huh?" He lifted his eyes to Sam.

Sam raised his eyebrows and dumped the load he was carrying on the long, oak table in the middle of the library. "What's up with you, Dean?"

"Nothing."

"It's about Cas isn't it?" Sam deduced, astutely.

Dean sighed, plopping a stack of books onto the table before checking to make sure Castiel was nowhere in sight. "He wants to sacrifice himself man."

"What?"

"Cas! He wants to use his grace to destroy the tablets for good."

"Why?" Sam asked, confused. "I'm sure we can find another way!"

"I don't know, man, he won't talk about it with me!"

"Remind you of a certain somebody?" Sam smirked at Dean.

Blood boiling, Dean scowled. "Shut up Sam."

Sam chortled, "I'm going out to get dinner. You want anything?"

Dean clocked his head to the side and rolled his eyes at Sam as if to say '_Duh_'. "Pie."

"Why do I even bother asking?" Sam threw up his hands.

"And a cheeseburger!"

"Cas, you want anything?" Sam asked, as Castiel strolled into the room.

"A burger will be fine, Sam." Castiel told him gravely. "Thank you."

"Don't forget the pie!" Dean called as Sam walked out of the room.

He grabbed Castiel's hand and stood up, pulling the other up with him. "C'mon, Cas, there's something I want to show ya."

Dean didn't admit this openly, but the only other place he really considered home, other than Bobby's was the Men of Letters bunker. He loved the place with its vast library, archaic but awesome collection of weapons and secret stashes of vintage porn. Not that he still looked at those….much…

The one thing that Dean liked most about the bunker though, was its hidden wine cellar.

A seasoned pro, Dean walked over to a specific panel, and pushed it. It slid aside smoothly to reveal stone steps, leading down into the cellar. Expertly, he flicked a switch on his left and the staircase lit up. Their steps echoed off the stone walls, as they descended into the depths of the bunker. Castiel took in everything around him with mute appreciation, looking seriously impressed.

"The architecture is remarkable." He commented when they reached the foot of the staircase.

Dean scoffed, fondly. "Cas, with all this, all you think about is the architecture? Look around you, dude!"

The cellar stretched for quite a distance, and rows and rows of wooden displays housed every type of wine imaginable. Dean's favourite though, was a large nook at the far corner of the cellar that contained all the typical hard liquor. The best Russian vodka, Caribbean rum, and every kind of whiskey and malt stood together, their dusty bottle glinting slightly in the light.

"Cas, tonight, you and I are gonna drink our fuckin asses off," Dean declared.

Sam and Bobby spent their time discussing information on the tablets immediately after dinner, but soon drifted off to the topic of angel's grace. Knowing it might be rather sensitive for Castiel, he gestured to the angel to follow him and they went down to the cellar again. Dean grabbed a couple of bottles of wine, vodka, whiskey and rum and took those to the bar at the other end of the bunker, far from the library. There he poured out a glass of rum for Cas to try.

Castiel took a sip, and hiccupped. Dean would have laughed if he didn't find it so damn adorable. He sloshed some rum into his own glass and downed it in one slug.

Following his lead, Castiel too drank it all, slamming his glass down just as Dean had done.

"Dean!" Castiel shook his head like he was trying to wave off a fly. "My head is rather fuzzy."

"Already?" Dean asked, amused.

"Is this supposed to happen?"

"Pretty much Cas." Dean smirked.

"Why would anyone voluntarily subject themselves to this ridiculous torture?"

" It's supposed to make you happy Cas."

"I don't feel happy. I only feel like my senses have been distinctly blunted." Castiel frowned, a crease forming on his forehead.

Dean only laughed and poured them both some more. By the time they had finished both a bottle of rum and a bottle of vodka with lime juice, they were both so drunk, they could barely speak.

"I am forced to draw the conclusion that I am drunk." Castiel slurred with a dignified little hiccup.

Dean roared with laughter, which caused Castiel to break out into fits of mirth as well. That only made Dean laugh harder to the point where he slid off the chair and landed with a thump. Castiel threw his head back and guffawed. Finally, they both quieted. Dean dragged Castiel off the bar stool and into his lap and he leaned back, content to be in Dean's arms on the cold marble floor.

"Dean.." Castiel said, with great effort sounding as if there was cotton in his mouth.

"Cas." Dean nuzzled his nose into Castiel's hair. The former angel smelt like soap and the rain. Dean decided he liked Cas' scent. It was clean and unique and very Cas-like.

"The…tablets…"

"Yep."

"I won't ever be an angel ever again Dean." Cas said somberly. "Makes me sad."

Dean was startled at the feeling of wetness on his arms. Castiel was crying. Grief bowled Dean over, sobering him rather quickly.

"I won't let that happen Cas." Dean told him, his voice unexpectedly harsh.

Cas' sobs racked his body, making him shake in Dean's arms. Dean tightened his hold on him, rocking him gently like he used to do to Sam when he couldn't sleep. "Shhh Cas, it'll all be okay.."

"It's my penance Dean." Cas choked out. He gave a great heaving sigh. "It won't be over till I've paid my penance."

Dean could do nothing but watch as his angel cried himself to sleep in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

/Woah it's been a while since I last posted. I've been a little busy with some crap hahaha, so finally here's the next installment. I think I'm gonna post another one next week, and I'm currently working on a Crobby fic so stay tuned for that one! Thanks guys, reads, reviews etc are very much appreciated. It makes me want to continue writing and it feels like someone's actually reading haha, so thanks for all that 3/

**First Time Shopping**

It did them good, to just pretend for a while that there wasn't anything bigger out there. Heaven and Hell were holed up in their separate poles, recuperating and counting their losses and planning their next moves. It was certain that a good part of it would involve the Winchesters and their recently earth-bound angel. This worried Dean to no end. Sometimes he woke in the night to Castiel's cries as he begged for forgiveness from Naomi, as he begged her not to take his grace. Other times, he watched his lover as he slept. He noticed that ever since he and Castiel began sharing a bed, the night terrors were getting more subdued and infrequent. Castiel would fall fast asleep almost immediately after they made love, curled up in a fetal position on his side of the large bed in Dean's room. Dean would watch his angel sleep, gently tracing the tiny smile that curved the pink lips he loved to kiss, and smoothing his hair away from his slightly creased brow.

Dean never once acknowledged that Castiel was human. He believed with all his heart that Castiel would get his grace back; that this was simply temporary, and so he ignored the aching concern that nagged deep in the part of his heart that he locked away from even Castiel. Cas behaved like an angel, spoke like one, had the knowledge of one. Once, Dean had commented on a show he'd been watching on the Romans, called Spartacus or something like that, and Castiel had told him that the sex and orgies that Dean so enjoyed on the show was historically inaccurate. The angel continued on to say that sexual activity had indeed been a very private affair, conducted in the confines of one's own home. This was described in rather graphic detail to Sam and Bobby's great discomfort. Dean, not wanting to miss an opportunity to embarrass Sam and Bobby, whacked the angel on the ass when he stood up, giving the widened blue eyes a saucy wink.

The mix of horror and reluctant amusement on both Sam's and Bobby's faces had been priceless.

Dean had never, not in his entire life, had someone he would not only do anything for, but could just look at and fall in love with every single day. It terrified him. Sometimes, the stray thought that perhaps he and Cas could be happy together if Cas didn't get his grace back made its way into his head. Moments like those felt like he was betraying Castiel, who first and foremost was his best friend, before anything else. Dean slowly had grown cynical about his love, over the years, believing that it left the people whom he had loved worse off than before. He despised himself for it, and had trouble giving his love to Cas, for fear that it would end up hurting the angel. Castiel could sense this, Dean knew. Often, when he distanced himself to go check up on his car, or skim through books without really digesting the words, he caught that fleeting look of hurt on the other man's features.

So far, Dean was keeping himself off the edge. It would be easier to let go, once Castiel got his grace back. Dean didn't even really think that Castiel was capable of the romantic love that Dean expected of him. Castiel cared about him, that much was obvious, but love was very different. Castiel probably didn't know how to be emotionally intimate with someone. And Dean of all people, was in no position to teach him. As if it was something to be taught in the first place! Dean scoffed inwardly at the thought. Instead, he watched his lover's side rise and fall as he breathed and smiled at the lock of hair that curled softly over his forehead. His hair had grown out exponentially over the past few weeks. It was as if the vessel's suppressed functions were bursting out of their cage, unruly and free, now that the grace was not controlling them. Dean decided he'd probably need a haircut soon, but he liked the way Castiel's hair curled gently over his blue eyes, accentuating their cold, flaming colour. Castiel's eyes were the only physical reminder of his angelic origins. They were old, holding millennia of growth and knowledge behind them, but burned with a curious light, which Dean couldn't quite place. In its raw form, perhaps it could be called…life.

With that melodious word weaving its way through Dean's mind, which was slowly losing its awareness, Dean let himself sink down on his side next to Castiel, pulling his angel close, and he closed his eyes, allowing his consciousness to float away on the endless, weightless ocean of sleep.

Breakfast was a simple affair of beans and toast, courtesy of Bobby. Dean had never been so grateful to his family. Sam and Bobby had been scouring the library for books on the angel and demon tablets as well as information on angels. They spent their days reading until their eyes were reddened and sore. Which is why, after a week of sitting in the Men of Letters HQ library, and getting nowhere with their research, Bobby spoke up.

"This ain't getting' us anywhere boys." Bobby told them, his eyes apologetic under his cap. "We gotta wait till Heaven finds us. Naomi's got Castiel's grace and we've got the tablets. For now, there's not much we can do except wait."

Sam slammed another book closed, rubbing his eyes. "I'm sorry Cas, but there's nothing we can do right now."

"I've called in a few favours," Bobby explained, "But they won't be able to get back to me for a while yet."

Castiel nodded, solemnly. He spoke in his usual gravelly voice. "Then there is no choice."

Dean let out a ragged, annoyed breath. "We're waiting Cas, just waiting. Don't be so melodramatic."

Castiel's eyes flashed but he didn't pursue it. They had an almost unspoken agreement that they would cross that bridge when they got to it. Or at least Dean thought they did. That or Cas just didn't want to fight with him. As if he had resigned himself to his fate and wasn't going to argue about it. Dean gazed at the former angel dressed in his clothes with a frustration that tore at him inside. Dean's Metallica t-shirt hung off Cas, and new holes had to be poked in a belt just to hold his jeans up on Cas' hips.

"We need to take you shopping man." Dean said, almost as if it were a revelation.

Sam snickered. "Finally decided to come out of the closet, Dean?"

"Shut up Sam. He needs his own clothes," Dean gestured to Cas, "I mean, look at him!"

"Goodwill?" Bobby asked, his beard itching with a smile of his own.

"I am not one of those exuberant homosexuals alright! Stop laughing!" Dean scowled at his brother, grabbing Castiel by the hand. "C'mon Cas. Let's get you some new clothes."

Minutes later, they were at the nearest Goodwill. The place was deserted, seeing as it was late afternoon and Dean ushered Castiel into an empty changing room with an armful of soft t-shirts and jeans. By now, the former angel was accustomed to putting on and taking off clothes, so Dean figured they'd be done pretty quickly. As he looked for a new coat that would fit Castiel, Dean heard his name being called. Castiel stood outside the changing room, in a pair of fitting jeans and a soft white, cotton tee that very nicely showed off his slender figure. Castiel looked pretty damn good, and Dean smiled.

"That looks awesome Cas." He told the pleased angel quietly, before pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Choose the clothes you want, and I'll go pick a coat out for you."

He returned to the rack that housed a wide assortment of coats and picked through it randomly until his eyes fell on a coat of a dark, heavy material. Picking it up, he realized it was a trench coat. It wasn't the tan material of Castiel's old trench coat, but it was of a similar cut and style. It was a dark shade of grey instead, but it still brought a rush of memories to Dean. The backs of his eyes pricked with hot tears, which he fought to hold back. Hearing the changing room door creak open, Dean forced a smile to his face, and turned around, the trench coat held tightly to his chest.

Finding Castiel carrying a bunch of clothes, Dean stared into the fathomless blue of his eyes, and found some comfort there. Taking the clothes and transferring them to a nearby stool, Dean held out the trench coat to his angel, "I found something I thought you might like."

Castiel's brows bunched together, his eyes flitting over Dean's face, from the red in his cheeks to the wetness that refused to leave his eyes. Sniffing, but maintaining his strong jaw, Dean unfolded the trench coat once more, holding it in front of him for Cas to see. Castiel's face drove Dean over the edge, right then and there.

His pale face brightened suddenly, and he stretched out tentative fingers to stroke the familiar material. Slowly, he took the trench coat and pulled it on, over his t-shirt, his eyes wide and wet. Tears spilled from Castiel's cheeks, and he reached out with those slender fingers of his to brush away Dean's own tears.

"I love you Cas." The words tumbled from Dean's lips before he could stop, and he felt an incredible lightness when they did.

Castiel smiled beatifically. "I have always loved you, Dean."

Dean felt Castiel's ethereal love when he kissed him. How had he not felt it there before? As his eyes flicked shut, an old quote he had read surfaced in his mind. "Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss, dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt only by heart." 


End file.
